It struck us one day about half a moon ago that Superheroes may not have time to go around finding themselves partners and certainly don't have time for this "courting" malarchy. Hence we have taken it upon ourselves to do the hard work for them and match up in the most suitable way possible all of the 32 superheroes one finds in the Top Trump deck of the same name.

---

"Normal" pairs

Nova		Human Torch	It's the obvious match really. Fire and fire has got to work a treat. Plus there's the whole red-complimenting-yellow thing going on. She's a fox, he's a dude: get it on.
Black Cat		Wolverine	Looks to us as if they'd be into scratching, maybe a bit of light-hearted S&M; aww kids these days! I just know Wolvie digs that fur and, ladies, who's not attracted to belts on Y-fronts? Mmm.
Ant Man		Wasp	You know how you can get a jar, smear the inside with jam, place some cling-film over the top, pierce the film and you end up with a truly effective wasp trap? Well, if you notice, Anty Boy over there has got just such a jar on his head. I'm sure they can come to some compromise over the jam subsitute. Say no more.
Thing		Captain Marvel	Colour scheme matches, size doesn't. We thought this particular pairing may be a little dangerous for this reason but then I hear he's really quite gentle. Hmm, let's just hope he doesn't come home drunk one night...
Aguila		Elektra	They've both got a touch of the Spanish desperado about them. That off-the-shoulder-look, that eagle on his chest and those thigh-high boots (in both cases). She's a bit skinny but he told me he likes it that way. Each to their own.
Spider Woman		Captain America	It's always the smug bastard in high-school (apologies for the americanisation) who gets the tall, fit, cheerleading blonde. So you see it really makes perfect sense. Chances are one of them will be killed by some water-drinking-alien or be injured horrifically in some footballing accident (hopefully).
MoonDragon		StingRay	Not to be confused with the dude off the crystal maze, MoonDragon's been carrying a torch for StingRay for quite a while. It's the whole cape-thing so she tells me. That and the fact that he has no face. He can't speak to protest at the prospect so it's a perfect match.
American Eagle		She-Hulk	American Eagle: Quiet, bitch, or I hit you with stick. She-Hulk: RAHHHH! American Eagle: Ok, shit, I tell you - stop that growing shit! She-Hulk: RAAAHHHHHH! American Eagle: Ok, OK, I'm going down.

 

"Sub-Normal" pairs

Hulk		Nick Fury	The Hulk, being the beast of a man that he is, we thought was a little too rough to be handleable by a wee lady (But I'm a laady!). Hence we feel Nickie, armed with 6 weapons, may be a more suitable match. Plus that skin-tight blue-suit really doesn't say a lot for Nickie's female-suitability neither, Guv.
Mr. Fantastic		Sub Mariner	Look. They both have at least one arm on their hips. Sorted. (Sub Mariner's actually wearing Mr. F's pants anyway).
Dr. Strange		Power Man	You know how everyone was secretly gay in Flash-Gordon? This is really much the same except that, well, it's Power Man and Dr. Strange instead. Dr. S likes the Boots, Power Boy likes the cape and the extra half-inch - 6" 2 and a half' don't you know;)
Black Panther		SpiderMan	Have you ever seen SpiderMan battle a panther, specifically a black one? No? Well, say no more. Why else would he say "no" to Sarah-Jane-Mary-Anne, whatever the hell her name was, if it wasn't for the fact that he has a lycra-clad monster waiting at home for him?

 

"Extended" pairs

Falcon, Daredevil & Invisible Woman	OK here's the thing. He can't see, she can't be seen but he can see her anyway when it rains cos he's special. And the other dude has that bloody falcon thing which the other dude can keep in check with that stick. Besides, it looks like she can handle two blokes (and just has).

 

"On your own" pairs

Iron Man	Who'd want to be with this guy? He's heavy and he'd rust up at a moment's moisture. Plus we figure with a suit like that he has some programs to suit that "alone" time. Onanism away!
Gardener	He's got his stick and his lawnmower (and he wears a dress anyway). We sense a certain independence about this guy. You can picture him on the wind-swept moors tending the sheep. No innuendo intended (except for the obvious). Say no more.
Silver Surfer	He's just a dude. Far too good for anyone in our humble opinion. Silver pants come as standard. Oh yeh.
Hawkeye	He's a bragging bastard this guy. I mean, can you seriously see thirty-nine weapons? He's bloody Robin-Hood with purple boots and a silly hat. Mate, you've got no chance.
Thor	Horns on his hat, knee-pads the size of a plate and a damn-well finely stached cloak: le creme de la creme of superheroes. Quite literally a God he doesn't even see it as necessary to wear shoes. He gets what he wants, when he wants and if anyone grumbles, well, he's got a bloody hammer. Sweet.

Apparently there was a bar in Brighton that aimed to pair up these loveable heroes. But we burned it down. Haha.